Smile: The Lover
by lunartick
Summary: A story where Okita Souji hunts for his true love, Hijikata quotes Kondou on how to be a good parent, and the Comedian Trio have a very black aura around them. Nonyaoi oneshot. I don't own pmk.


First and foremost, I have to say a little something about the following fic. It is a romance fic with an OkitaOC pairing, the first of its kind I have ever written. So people with problems with OCs, please don't read the following fic.

Secondly, this fic isn't meant to be taken seriously, just like all my other fics. It's mostly a humour fic designed to make you laugh, but there is some fluff in here just for all you romance fic fans. So take your time to enjoy it!

Thirdly, I must give a huge, huge thanks to sanzo-reload! You messaged me to ask me if this fic was coming out, and I told you it probably wasn't because I didn't have any material, but after replying, I went back to take a look, and thought, "Gee, this could actually be a one-shot!". So this fic is out because of you! Thanks a lot! I hope I don't disappoint you!

Lastly, I have to say a little something about some of my other fics, namely Smile: The Diary. I know I promised to continue, but recently, it has become more and more difficult to update my stories. I wouldn't be stopping Smile: The Diary, but unfortunately, I will only be able to update probably once every six months or so given the hectic schedule I have now. During school time, I really have no time to write, and my holidays only last for days, at most weeks, so I'm really sorry. I will try, but there are no promises.

Anyway, enough with the serious stuff! Go on and read the story! I hope you enjoy it!

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**Smile: The Lover **

Okita Souji was a terrible lover. Not many people knew that, mainly because not many people knew it when he was in love. It was not that he tried to hide it when he was in love, not too much at least; just from Hijikata Toshizou (because he did not want to end up killing his vice-commander for trying to steal his girl). It was just that often his romances did not last long.

Currently, the longest record was two months.

The shortest, was five minutes.

This was a fact that would have surprised most people, because Okita Souji was _infamous_ for being charming, polite and as charismatic as something very charismatic, polite and charming. Which is in fact true; Okita Souji oozed charisma and charm as easily as Saizou's nose oozed unmentionables on a very cold day. Perhaps then, one might wonder, "Then why on earth do his romances not last?"

The answer to this question lies in the fact that Okita Souji is a demon (albeit, a very charming, polite, charismatic and metaphorical demon).

Sure, at first things would go perfectly well; everything would be sugar puffs, bubbles and cute little tiny pink hearts that pop incessantly in the background. Okita Souji would present his girl with candy and cakes, and she would smile and blush and plant tiny, chaste kisses on his cheek or the tip of his well-sculptured nose. They would take long, romantic walks (or not so long romantic walks in the case of the romance which only lasted five minutes) along the riverside, and cuddle together under the old, withering sakura tree, blissfully unaware of the Choshu rebels clashing with the Shinsengumi some distance away, or a certain look-alike sneaking around, trying to sneak in a few kills himself. Sometimes, they may even be so in love the lady would blushingly let him catch an indecent glimpse of her pale, delicate wrist.

Then disaster would strike.

Always, always something would go wrong. For some reason, Okita Souji will get angry, whether it was because one of the girls decided to insinuate that he looks like a girl, or because one of the lovely ladies turned out to be very fond of eating Saizou's cousins. Whatever it was, something would always come between Okita Souji's rational mind and the rest of him, blocking all reason from the light of day.

And we all know what happens when Okita Souji's rational mind gets blocked from the light of day.

For the sake of those who don't, here is an example. The last girl had ended up being admitted into the Kyoto's Institution for the Mentally-Challenged for an odd aversion to haiku and a strange fear of chopsticks.

Whatever the case was, Okita Souji found himself unfairly deprived of the love and affection of the opposite sex, which was why on this bright and cheery day, he found himself standing in the backyard, trying to make up for this deprivation by playing with Saizou and his family.

"Go Saizou!" Okita cheered happily. "Get the bone!"

As Saizou frantically chased down the bone, Okita took the time to ponder over the issues regarding his non-existent love life.

In the time it took for Saizou and his family to start running towards the bone, he had decided that it couldn't be healthy for him to not have a love life. He also decided that he needed more candy if he was going to make it through the day. Incidentally, by the time the pigs were half-way to the bone, he had reached a really startling conclusion.

"What I need," he announced as Saizou ran over his third cousin two times removed on his fourth uncle's cousin's side. "What I really need is a girl I cannot beat up." He paused and pondered the significance of his conclusion then added, "Or at least a girl who can run fast enough to avoid being beat up." He paused again. "Too badly."

The wind swept across the backyard. In the background, cicadas chirped indifferently. Saizou caught up with the bone and used it as a battering ram to attempt murder on his fourth cousin as he was sure his Grandmother was about to die soon and leave her collection of rotting sticks to him.

Okita Souji squatted down, buried his face in his knees and tried to accept the fact that he will never have a girlfriend.

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"Okita's upset."

Hijikata stiffened from his position at his doorway (which incidentally had a marvelous view of the backyard) as a soft, monotonous voice floated reluctantly into his ear from a position somewhere behind his shoulder.

"Saitou?"

"Yes, sir?"

"Oh." Hijikata exhaled in relief. "What was that you said?"

Saitou inclined his head slightly and slid to Hijikata's side. "I was merely making an observation on Okita's state of emotion," he explained calmly. "There is a negative gray aura surrounding him."

"Oh." Hijikata smoked thoughtfully on his pipe. "I noticed that. What's up with him? Low sugar level?"

"I do not believe so; not entirely, at least."

"Huh."

"But I do believe he is experiencing a very human emotion now."

"Really?" Hijikata tried to wrap his mind around the new concept of Okita feeling human. "What?"

Saitou stared meditatively at the rafters. "I do not know," he said simply.

Hijikata returned to his pipe with a contemplative look on his face.

Several smoke rings later, he asked, "Do you think anyone knows what's bothering Souji? It's imperative that he remains focused on his job, or he's going to get killed."

"Ah, perhaps," Saitou conceded. "Though I must say that most of the damage done to the enemy usually happens when Okita _isn't_ focused."

A grunt, a long string of smoke then Hijikata muttered, "Well, we still have to find out, don't we?"

"If that is what you wish, sir," Saitou said calmly. "Should I go and ask him?"

"No!" Hijikata grimaced. "He may think I'm trying to probe into his life. Teenagers need their freedom you know? If they feel too constricted, they become rebellious. You have to give them space to discover their own identity." A flush spread across his face. "At least that's what Kondou tells me."

"Indeed sir."

"It's not that I care you know," Hijikata went on, waving his pipe in an act of nonchalance. "But Mitsu did deliver her baby brother to me with her lovely, pale, slim, samurai's wife hands…" a pause as Hijikata took the time to savour the memory, "and thus I of course have an obligation to raise Souji properly, especially if I intend to seduce Mitsu into bed."

"Indeed, sir."

"So… go find out what's wrong with that boy."

"Very well, sir."

"Oh… and Saitou?"

"Yes sir?"

"Try to make it back in one piece."

"Very well, sir."

Several smoke rings later, Hijikata lowered his pipe. "Why are you still here, Saitou?"

"I was merely trying to think of a way to make it back in one piece, sir."

"And?"

"I have reached the conclusion that this is an impossible task."

"Oh."

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The bone clutched stubbornly in his mouth, Saizou tottered over to his master, his head held high triumphantly. Around him, his trampled kin lowered their heads in shame and cursed the gods for their ill-luck. Like the winner of any war, he ignored them and proceeded forward to claim his prize. With a loud, victorious grunt, he dropped the bone at his master's feet, patiently waiting for praise – but none came.

With a tragic, startled grunt, Saizou stumbled backwards and stared disbelievingly into his master's unfocused eyes. Was it possible… could it be possible that his master was truly ignoring him? What had happened? Was his master sick?

Grunting in concern, Saizou butted his master in the toe cautiously.

"What I need is a new one."

Another tragic grunt escaped his snout, and Saizou sat down abruptly. A new… one? A new… pig… to take over… your Saizou?

Squealing angrily, tears filling his eyes, Saizou sprang forward and attached himself to his master's shin. He wasn't going down without a fight! If another pig wanted to take over his place, it was going to have to go through Okita Saizou first!

"Saizou? What's wrong?"

What's _wrong_? Was his master really so stupid he did not know the feeling of betrayal when one has been replaced, forced out of his master's favour? He squealed wretchedly and buried his snout in his master's knee.

"Saizou?"

The warm, comfortable hands detached him with some difficulty from his newfound perch.

Saizou raised his eyes to stare balefully through his tears into his master's face.

His master's eyes blinked confusedly then a sigh escaped his master's lips. "I think we're both suffering from a low sugar level," Okita said mournfully. "That has to be remedied now, doesn't it? It seems we both behave dangerously when we're suffering from sugar deficiency." A dark shadow fell over his face and he picked up a stick from the ground. "Let's go ask Hijikata-san for money, okay, Saizou?"

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Susumu crept tiredly over the roof, pausing at the pinnacle for a short breather. What was with that kunoichi today? Did she have to be so rough on him? This was the first time she had actually chased after him when he tried to escape.

With another sigh, he slowly pushed himself off the top – then yelped as he did a perfect glide down the side of the roof and landed smack on the floor.

Groaning miserably, he raised his head giddily, only to note that he was in front of his room. Praising all the lovely gods above, he crawled forward and grasped the door with his hands.

Darn! When did his doors become so heavy?

Straining his screaming, ranting, raving muscles, he pushed as hard as it could and the door budged – an inch.

"For the love of god," he cursed. "Open."

"Hi, Yamazaki-san!" Okita chirped dully, rounding the corner with a black money pouch in his hands.

Susumu groaned and tried to hide his face in humiliation.

The first captain stopped and stared. "Wow… Are the floors supposed to be this colour?"

Grunt of dissent.

"I see. Do you need any help with the door?"

Pride and fatigue battled with each other. Fatigue died a very tragic but honourable death.

"No… sir."

"Well, alright. If you insist." With a last mildly cheerful wave, Okita Souji skipped over Susumu and went on down his way.

The moment the slim figure of the first captain was gone, Fatigue came back to life and delivered a swift kick to a very vulnerable part of Pride. "Damn," Susumu moaned. "Open, damn it, open."

Immediately, the doors slid open.

Susumu stared up at the opened doors and gawked – until Hijikata's face appeared around the side of the door. The shinobi blinked; there appeared to be a dark shadow floating around behind Hijikata.

"Oh good, he's gone," Hijikata whispered.

For two seconds, Susumu thought he was supposed to reply. Then a dull voice from behind Hijikata murmured, "Yes sir. If we are to follow him, it has to be now."

The dark shadow eased closer into the light, and Susumu was only mildly relieved to discover it was one Saitou Hajime.

"Right, let's go."

Hijikata stepped obliviously over Susumu and Saitou followed suit.

Gratified at not being seen flat on the ground and bleeding copiously by his boss, Susumu breathed a sigh of relief and turned back to the door to crawl in – only to discover that Saitou had closed it behind him.

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The skies were clear and blue, the clouds were big, white and fluffy, and the candy was as sweet as the wines of the gods. Thus, in theory, Okita Souji should have been a very happy man – and in reality, surprisingly, he was. In fact, he was such a happy man he felt compelled to declare to Saizou, "I'm a very happy man, Saizou."

"Bu-ei."

"I see you agree with me," Okita went on, "It really doesn't bother me that much that I don't have a lover now, of course. Who needs lovers when you've got pigs and candies?"

"Bu-ei!" came the strong affirmation.

"It's all in the mindset really," he said happily. "It's all in your will. If you're strong, you'll overcome all emotions. At least, that's what Hijikata-san says."

"Bu-ei."

Okita sighed. "You are such a good friend, Saizou," he said affectionately. "Much better than some humans I know. It must be because pigs are a higher form of evolution."

"Bu-ei!"

In the background, the skies were still clear and blue, the clouds were still big, white and fluffy, and in the foreground, the candy was still as sweet as a wine of gods. It was all a familiar sight to one Okita Souji – except one.

Displayed conservatively by the side of the bridge, any normal passer-by passing by wouldn't have noticed it at all. However, Okita Souji was no normal passer-by. He was a Shinsengumi Captain, with eyes as sharp as the eyes of a hawk and the curiosity of a cat, and thus, he caught sight of the sign that most normal passer-bys would have missed.

"Cute adorable piglets up for adoption! Come to the farm on the outskirts down the Third Street of Kyoto to find cute, adorable piglets!"

Okita Souji stared.

Okita Souji grinned.

Okita Souji started to prance towards the outskirts of Kyoto.

Okita Souji stopped to curse when Saizou chose to relieve himself on Okita Souji's yukata as a sign of protest.

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As it turned out, the farm was nothing more than a small thatch house situated comfortably near a tiny stream that trickled outwards from the city. All around it, there were no other houses, thus Okita was sure this was the farm he was looking for. Amongst the backdrop of clear blue skies and rice fields, the dark brown wooden house stood out blatantly. In fact, it stood out so much Okita walked right past it before he realized what he had done.

Blushing furiously at his own silly mistake, Okita quickly backtracked until he stood in front of the door that led into the house.

Taking in a deep breath to calm himself, the legendary First Captain of the Shinsengumi straightened down his relatively dry yukata and pulled on his most charming smile. "There!" he exclaimed. "Do I look like a suitable piglet owner now, Saizou?"

"Bu-ei!"

"I'm glad you agree! I even smell like pig now, and it's all thanks to you, Saizou. It was a wonderful idea to… eh… water on me because now the pig-owners would know I'm not the kind who mind getting a little dirty just to be with my favourite animals!"

"Bu-ei!" Saizou refrained himself from rolling his eyes.

"Thank you. You give me so much confidence – not to mention… smell!"

"Bu-ei…"

"Excellent! Now, let's knock!" Okita cried, and the words were accompanied by a soft tap at the doors. "Excuse me! Is anyone home?"

Behind the dirty doors came the sound of soft pattering feet. Then the door slid open slightly to reveal large, soft brown eyes, peering curiously around the edge of the door.

Upon judging that the eyes belonged to a female, Okita flashed his sweetest, most innocent smile. "Hello there," he greeted politely. "I saw a sign advertising for piglets being put up for adoption… and I was interested. Is this the right place?"

The door slid open further to reveal a pert nose and pinkish lips. Tiny hands, calloused by hours of work in the field were folded awkwardly to thighs covered in a plain sky blue yukata as the short, curvy figure bowed gawkily. Okita ran an appreciative eye over her. Despite her build and features, the girl did not look girlish or childish; this was obviously a woman into her late teens.

"Ah, so this is the right place?"

A bob of the head.

"Alright then! Let's see the piglets!" Okita grinned as the young woman gestured for him to follow her. "I'm Okita Sou… Soujirou, by the way! What's your name?"

The face scrunched up before the lips slid into a tiny, mysterious smile.

"Ah… well, if you don't want to say anything, that's okay with me," Okita said cheerfully. "I know some fathers ban their daughters from telling strangers their names. It's to avoid being put under witchcraft or a love spell, isn't it? How annoying it must be to be a woman. I'm so glad I'm a man!"

Two brown eyes blinked then stared at him. A faint blush spread over the girl's tanned face, but was quickly hidden when the hands shot up to push long, sun-bleached locks behind the ear.

Choosing to avoid the implications of her body language, Okita continued, "I love pigs, by the way. This is Saizou! Say hi, Saizou!"

"Bu-ei."

"Oh, he likes you!"

"Bu-ei…" Saizou tried to bury his face in his hoofs, thus discovering for the first time, the downsides of having legs that were too short and a face that was too large.

A shy smile was flashed vaguely in his direction. Then a tiny, almost invisible door at the back of the house was slid open to reveal a tiny backyard with several tiny bobs of pink running around, squealing excitedly.

"Piglets!" Okita squealed excitedly then cleared his throat dignifiedly in an attempt to salvage the remainders of his masculinity.

The tiny hands gestured towards the pigs invitingly and Okita put Saizou down before stepping into the backyard.

"They are so adorable!" he cried. "I want all of them… no wait, I can't… but… okay, I'll choose the cutest one!"

"Bu-ei!"

"I'm glad you agree with me, Saizou!"

"Bu-ei!" Saizou struggled towards the steps with all intentions of committing mass murder. Unfortunately for him, the backyard of the house was designed to be pig-proof. Pigs in the yard stayed in the yard; pigs outside the yard stayed outside the yard. In desperation, Saizou hurled himself at the makeshift fence surrounding the yard and squealed in despair.

"Oh, you want that one, Saizou? Okay, let's take a look at… oh, it's a girl! Saizou, you naughty boy!"

"Bu-ei!" The only thing that prevented Saizou from committing seppuku was the fact that he did not have a wakizashi with him at the moment.

"Then it's her, I guess," Okita announced, sweeping up the piglet in his arms. "After all, just because I don't have a girlfriend doesn't mean I have to deny Saizou the chance of having a girlfriend."

"Bu-ei…" Saizou wailed and tried to butt down the fence again.

Stepping gingerly over the snorting, squealing mass of pink blobs, Okita climbed over the two foot fence and smiled at the young girl. "Is it okay if I take her?" he asked breathlessly. "I swear upon my honour as a Shin… eh… well… a… a man that I will take extremely good care of her!"

A smile was flashed in his direction. Then the slim but calloused hands were held out towards him again – only to be restrained by a huge, tanned hand.

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Okita gaped at the door where a group of tall, muscular yukata-wearing men had just entered. Instinctively, his hand went to his belt, which was sadly (again) katana-deficient. A quick glance at the group however, proved that they weren't here to create trouble – not for him at least.

"Girl," one of the men wearing a yellow yukata demanded. "We're here for the pigs you were advertising about. This them?"

The girl nodded.

"Yep, they're pigs," the one wearing a blue yukata confirmed after a long scrutiny of the pink blobs running around. "Kind of skinny though, aren't they?"

"Yeah," Red-Yukata commented. "Not like really skinny, but skinny all the same. We wouldn't get much meat from these really."

A chill started at the base of Okita's spine, and slowly traveled all the way up to the base of his neck, causing the hairs on the back of said appendage to stand up. "You're going to eat them?" he cried, horrified.

Blue-Yukata shot him an odd look. "Yeah," he said. "What's the problem?"

"You can't eat them!" Okita cried. "They're a higher form of evolution!"

"Uh… and so?"

"Eating them would be blasphemous!"

"Right," Yellow-Yukata sneered. "Try stopping us if you can."

A tiny hand reached out and clenched the yellow sleeve. A frown settled over the girl's face and she shook her head vigorously.

"Oh get lost," Yellow-Yukata snapped, shaking off the hand. "It's not like we ain't paying for them!" He turned around and marched all the way up to Okita's face and jabbed a finger towards him. "What're you going to do about that, lady?"

The chill traveled up his neck and hit the medulla oblongata. Okita felt his breathing slow down almost like he was falling into a trance. Along with that phenomenon came the hardening of his eyes. "You are going to regret that," he said slowly as he lifted up his right arm to show a wooden stick clenched in his hand.

Yellow-Yukata laughed and drew his katana. "Get lost, lady," he sneered. "You ain't got a chance against me. Everyone knows women are weaker than men and useless when it comes to fighting."

Okita's face turned even darker if that was possible and he drew back his arm to strike. Even as he did, a voice started up in the back of his mind. It sounded vaguely like Hijikata-san's voice, and it was screaming something along the lines of, "Souji! Stop that this instance! God, you are so not going to get into a fight with a bunch of low-lives because they want to eat pigs! Drop that stick right now!"

Okita firmly ignored the voice and drew back his arm even further.

And that was when a horrible screech filled the air.

Jerking back in surprise, Okita back-stepped rapidly as his instinct started screaming at him to seek out the greater danger – then dropped to his knees quickly to avoid the man flying past him.

Okita stared up from between his knees in awe. Standing before him was a slight figure in a sky-blue yukata, a terrible look of doom on her face and a large wooden plank in her hands. Currently, the wooden plank was having a regular, rhythmic close encounter with Yellow-Yukata's head. Blue-Yukata and Red-Yukata have disappeared somewhere beyond the horizon, courtesy of the same wooden plank.

The sakura-petal pink lips that had smiled so shyly at him just moments ago were busy muttering, "You will not eat pigs, you bastard. Pigs are not for eating! Pigs are not for eating! Pigs are not for eating!"

Okita's heartbeat sped up considerably and his face flushed as the soaring elation of love gushed from his stomach to his chest like the hot spring geysers down in Hokkaido. This was a girl who hated pigs, and who knew how to use a wooden plank on the more sensitive parts of the body! She was a dream come true, an angel with a fiery sword and flaming shield! She was… she was…

A sigh escaped Okita's lips. He was in love, oh he was so in love – again.

"Miss," he called. "Um… miss…?"

The doe eyes blinked twice then widened in shock. Slowly, the hands loosened and the wooden plank fell onto the body on the floor with a soft thonk.

"Heavens… miss…" Stooping slowly, Okita bent over the prone body and observed the wounds critically. "Such skill! Each blow was delivered accurately to the most sensitive points on the body with the minimum amount of strength designed to cause the greatest amount of pain! Brilliant… and excellent choice of weapon, I must say."

The beautiful eyes stared at him in disbelief as he straightened up and smiled at her. Her lips parted as if she were about to say something then snapped shut again. Briskly, she knelt down and scooped up Saizou and the female piglet and shoved them into his arms. Then she scurried behind him and pushed him in the direction of the front door.

"What… wait a moment, Miss! Wait! Could I just…"

The door slammed shut.

Okita stared at the rundown door and sighed wistfully. He was in love, oh he was so in love with the young lady – and by gods, how badly he had screwed up. His head drooped disconcertedly. It didn't take an expert to figure out that he was no longer welcomed around here. He had witnessed a girl being un-ladylike, a situation that could get a girl scolded or even beaten, and… oh yes, he had a urine stain on his yukata, which stood out starkly against his white yukata. The shove out of the door, the slamming of the door in his face… all signs that his presence was no longer wanted in her house.

But when had such things stopped Okita Souji?

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Despite the fact that he had found his true love yet again, Okita Souji discovered that not everything was going well. Unlike his previous romances, he had started off on the wrong foot with this lady. Not only had she not spoken to him, he did not even know her name, her age or anything about her hobbies, likes, dislikes or even (heaven forbid) her sexual orientation.

Thus, it was back to the backyard.

Okita sighed a soft, wistful sigh and curled his knees up to his chest, dangling a bone absent-mindedly above the pig-pen. Down below, the pigs squealed, scratched and head-butted each other in a wild attempt to grab the tantalizing toy.

"Isn't it odd how love is?" Okita murmured, twirling the bone distractedly. "I don't know her name… I don't know her age… I don't know anything about her other than the fact that she has a great arm swing, but I am so, so in love with her." He paused to savour the memory of Blue-Yukata rocketing past his head.

Saizou scrambled furiously over his aunt and leapt frantically for the bone.

"Love is such a gorgeous, sweet feeling, like… like eating hot, creamy sesame paste."

The ninth cousin went down with a tragic wail as Saizou delivered a pig-worthy shove with his snout, sending him falling, tiny limbs flailing into the huge Grandmother.

"Love is… oh wait…" Okita sat up abruptly, bringing the bone (with Saizou attached to it) to his chest. "She lives at a _farm_, doesn't she? Now, which Shinsengumi captain frequents the farms on a regular basis?"

"Bu-ei…" Saizou grumbled around the bone, trying to dislodge it from his master's hands.

"Nagakura-kun!" Okita squealed happily, swinging the bone wide in a huge arc.

"Bu-ei!" Saizou squealed unhappily, following the swing of the bone as it went in a huge arc.

"Exactly, Saizou!" Okita cried, swiping Saizou into a friendly, if over-enthusiastic cuddle. "Nagakura-kun could know something about her! How silly of me not to think of it earlier! Thank you for being such a darling and listening to me complain, Saizou, but I'm off now!" With a quick pet, he dropped Saizou (and the bone) back into the pig pen and set off for the Second Unit Captain's room immediately, totally unaware of the piggish war that he had just began.

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Shinpachi leapt frantically towards the ceiling, raising his bokken to protect himself. The deflection came just in time to stop a terrible blow to his stomach. With a sharp battle cry, he kicked off from the ceiling and slashed wildly at his opponent. His opponent's head jerked up in surprise and he started to raise his weapon to block the slash.

A feral grin rose on Shinpachi's face as he shot towards his opponent like a cannonball. His opponent was too slow! Soon, this battle will have an outcome, with him as the winner!

"Die, Sano!"

"Never, Shinpachi!"

"Nagakura-kun!" a singsong voice called out as the door burst open. Wide, purple eyes opened in surprise and pale slim hands rose instinctively in defence, as Okita Souji found himself in between the attacking end of both weapons.

"Damn!" Shinpachi howled, starting to draw back his sword.

"Shit!" Harada howled, trying to draw back his weapon.

"Die," Okita whispered softly, as the purple eyes narrowed.

Shinpachi screamed tragically as a kick to his stomach propelled him right through the ceiling boards, leaving him stuck from the waist upwards in the boards. Down below, a terrible screech signified the phenomenon of fist meeting head, and driving person halfway through the floorboards to the waist.

"Oh dear…" the curse of the dojo muttered worriedly. "Nagakura-kun, I did not mean to… are you alright up there?"

"Just get me down… I feel like my pants are going to drop."

"Right away!" the curse of the dojo muttered even more worriedly.

"What about me?" Harada howled from the depths of the dojo floor.

"Are your pants about to drop?"

"No?"

"Then you can wait."

Feeling slightly ridiculous, Shinpachi grumbled unhappily as someone crept into the ceiling boards and started to crawl towards him.

"Ah… Nagakura-san. Are you hurt?"

"No, Susumu. Just get me out of here. This is embarrassing."

"I will cut open the boards around you," the shinobi informed with a blank face. "Someone below will catch you when you fall."

"What?" Shinpachi exploded. "Wait! No way! You are not letting someone below catch me! What if they miss?"

Susumu paused and stared thoughtfully into the distance. "Well, that is a risk we are going to have to take," he said calmly. "Okita-san says he does not want all the occupants in the dojo going blind because your pants drop off. The sight of you dead and bleeding on the floor is probably more aesthetic than the sight of you dangling from the ceiling wearing only your…"

"What? Excuse me, but I think my life is more important than the sight of all the occupants of the dojo! Besides, it was only Sano and me in the dojo!" Shinpachi paused. "Unless… wait… oh no… road accident crowds…?"

"Go Shinpachi!" the very familiar voice of one Todou Heisuke shrieked from below. "Let's see some humiliation, people!" A loud resounding cheer followed the cry.

"Oh god…"

"Indeed, sir."

"Get me down now, quick, before I drop my pants."

Wordlessly, Susumu started to break away at the ceiling boards as Shinpachi closed his eyes and thought about life, death and other embarrassing situations.

From down below, there came the soft chanting of mystical words in a gentle monotone followed by the click of prayer beads.

"Not funny, Hajime!" Shinpachi screamed.

"I thought I should do a prayer, just in case," Saitou's soft, logical voice replied. "Sometimes, demons hang around those about to die, and steal their souls before a psychic of a medium can send them properly."

"Yeah, whatever…" Shinpachi trailed off as Susumu's hand gripped his collar suddenly.

"The boards are free," Susumu explained. "I'm going to let go of you now. Are you ready?" As he spoke, his hands trembled slightly, as if he were running out of strength. Shinpachi chose to take it as a good sign that he was finally growing. However, he suspected it had more to do with the fact that Susumu was bandaged up from neck to wrist with bandages that were turning red.

"No."

Susumu shrugged. "Ok," he said – then dropped.

To give himself credit, Shinpachi did not scream on the way down. Later on, Heisuke would go on about how brave Shinpachi was to take the fall with stoicism worthy of any samurai. Shinpachi would then discover that he did not have the heart to tell Heisuke he didn't have time to scream because he was too busy taking in a deep breath _to_ scream before he fell ungracefully into the combined grip of Okita Souji and Yamanami. At that moment however, all Shinpachi could think was how good it was to be alive, and with his pants still on.

"Nagakura-kun?" Okita asked concernedly. "Are you alright? I'm so sorry. I did not mean to send you flying into the ceiling boards! It's just that you startled me and I…" The rest of his apology was lost when Harada broke out of the floor boards by himself with an earsplitting roar.

"Ha!" Sano thundered, kicking at the splintered boards. "You think you can hold me down, but I am the great Harada Sanosuke! Your puny hold means nothing to me! Nothing!" With another pig-worthy snort, Sano threw back his head and laughed uproariously.

Heisuke cringed as he made his way slowly towards his smaller friend. "At least someone's in a good mood," he commented dryly. "How're you feeling?"

"Like I want to die."

"Really? Then you shouldn't have caught him, Souji."

"If he had informed me earlier, perhaps I wouldn't have," Okita replied solemnly. "But I think Hijikata-san wouldn't appreciate our Second Unit Captain smearing his brain matter and guts all over our dojo floor."

"Whatever." Shinpachi rubbed his aching head painfully. "Oh yeah… were you looking for me or something, Souji?"

"Oh yes!" Okita cried, brightening up suddenly. "Nagakura-kun! I need a huge, huge favour from you!"

"Uh… what?"

"I need information! Lots of information, in fact," Okita said, flashing him a winning smile. "Would you be a nice, nice, nice person and tell me what I need to know?"

"Uh yeah… sure…" Shinpachi shot the first unit captain a suspicious look. "What do you need to know?"

Okita grinned triumphantly. "Do you know the farm down the outskirts of Tokyo? The one that has a new batch of piglets?"

Shinpachi rolled his eyes. "There are a million farms like that, Souji, which one are you talking about?"

"The one down Third Street? Um… there have a young girl in that family… about my age…?"

"The one that is situated all by itself in the middle of nowhere?"

"Yes!"

"Oh…" Shinpachi lay flat on the dojo floor with a low groan of pain. "That's the Akimoto family."

"Akimoto family…" Okita said dreamily. "Tell me more."

"Akimoto family," Shinpachi repeated. "The head of the family's dead, I heard. There's the lady of the house, Akimoto Keiko and a daughter, Miharu, I think."

"Miharu…" Okita sighed wistfully. "Tell me more about her."

"Her? Why?" Shinpachi asked suspiciously.

Okita paused then sat down and looked at Shinpachi in the eye. "Just do, Nagakura-kun."

"A… alright." Shinpachi sat up again with a groan. "Miharu is eighteen this year, I think. Very quiet girl, barely speaks…" he trailed off with a thoughtful look.

"Any hobbies you know of?"

Shinpachi shrugged. "Loves animals, I heard," he said. "But she's mostly seen working on the fields."

"I see…" Okita's voice trailed off as he stared into the distance, oblivious to the rest of the Shinsengumi staring at him. "I see…" A smile started to spread across his face, and the whole of the Shinsengumi gave a collective shudder in response. Slowly, Okita started to climb to his feet then suddenly paused as if struck by a sudden thought. He leaned over Shinpachi again and whispered something into his ear. The second unit captain's jaw dropped then a blush spread rapidly over his face.

"I don't know," he said gruffly. "It's not like I ever… well… why do you want to know anyway?"

"Oh, that's okay! I guess I shall just have to find out on my own now, don't I?" Okita said cheerfully. "See you around! Bye!"

Shinpachi stared after the retreating figure and stuttered, "Find… find out… yourself? What do you… oh no, wait, I don't want to know."

Heisuke leaned over with a questioning look on his face. "What was that all about?"

"He… he… he…" Shinpachi stammered helplessly as a tied-up tongue was added to his list of physical problems.

"He what?" Sano asked.

"He…" Shinpachi looked around at the almost deserted dojo and gestured his friends a little closer. Sano and Heisuke shot him confused looks before directing their ears in the direction of his mouth.

Two seconds later, both were sitting on the floor staring in disbelief at Shinpachi. "He what?" Sano demanded.

"Are you sure you heard him properly, Shinpachi?" Heisuke cried. "It's impossible! Souji's too… kiddy for that… I mean…" He stared up into the ceiling as if contemplating the end of the world in five minute's time.

"Geez, you think I don't know that?" Shinpachi muttered. "But I know what I heard."

"You must have hit your head really hard," Sano insisted stubbornly. "Then you heard him all wrong. He probably meant something else."

"Yeah, whatever, I know what I heard," Shinpachi snapped, irritated. "Please, I have one hell of a headache so why don't you guys go bother someone else?"

"Like me."

The Comedian Trio shrieked as one and scuttled backwards from the chilly presence that had suddenly appeared behind them. "Ha… Hajime!" Sano stuttered, not knowing whether to feel relieved or more scared. "What was that all about?"

Saitou stared blankly at them. "I meant to suggest that since Nagakura is not feeling well, it might be beneficial to all of us if the both of you came and bothered me instead," he said calmly.

"W… what?" Heisuke and Sano exchanged confused looks then shuddered together. Saitou Hajime, the infamous lone wolf, asking to be bothered? The world was coming to and end!

"I heard the three of you discussing Okita," Saitou elaborated. "As of it, Okita has been acting weird lately, and I am under orders by Hijikata-san to find out exactly why that is. Something that all three of you would be curious to know, isn't it? Given that he had just asked something of Nagakura that was rather… odd?"

"Yeah…" Shinpachi shuddered, still aching but getting curious.

Saitou rubbed his chin thoughtfully. "I see," he mumbled. "Yes, I do indeed see pink, but whether that is a good sign or not, I do not know… but pink… what an unholy colour… still… and lots of grey in between of course… and black too… yes, but eventually, pink… hmm…"

"Uh… Hajime?"

Saitou looked up, an expression of mild surprise on his face. "The three of you are still here?" he asked curiously.

"What?" Heisuke blurted out.

"If we want to know what's wrong with Okita, we have to follow him," Saitou said slowly. "And we know where he's going, don't we?"

"No," Heisuke said, annoyed. "Of course we don't."

"Yes, we do," Shinpachi cried, leaping to his feet, his pain forgotten with the idea of being able to spy on Okita. "The Akimoto farm! He was asking about the girl there, eh… Miharu. He must be going there!"

"Why?" Sano asked stupidly. "Does he like her?"

For a moment, all four of them exchanged looks then Heisuke burst out laughing with Shinpachi close behind. "Souji? In love? With a girl?" Heisuke sniggered. "Impossible!"

"Yeah! That's like saying Hajime's going to get married!" Shinpachi cried, roaring with laughter.

"Then why does he want to know about this Miharu?" Sano asked.

"The piglets," Shinpachi said decisively. "He mentioned that the farm had a new batch of piglets. I bet he's trying to convince the family to let him adopt the new piglets."

"Oh, right…" Heisuke nodded understandingly while Sano decided to just stick with grinning until the understanding came.

"Is that so?" Saitou asked mildly. "Hmm… that does not explain the pink… but maybe it does… the pink of pigs… pigs in pink… yes, I do see something like that now. Perhaps it is true."

"Hajime, what on earth are you talking about?" Heisuke asked.

"That's not important!" Shinpachi cried suddenly. "Souji! We've got to follow Souji! Let's go, hurry!"

"Right, let's go, hurry!"

"Right…"

"Um…" Saitou watched with slight interest as he was hustled out of the door by the sheer bulk of one Harada Sanosuke. However, his attention was fixed more on the dark aura that seemed to envelope all of them the moment they set off on the trail of one Okita Souji.

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Just about the time when Okita Souji was putting one Nagakura Shinpachi through the roof of the dojo, Saizou was sitting possessively on the bone that his master had bestowed onto him and grunting menacingly at the various other pigs that tried to advance on his precious.

"Bu-ei!" he snapped, and his brother backed down with a half-growl half-grunt.

Lifting his snout in a display of victory, Saizou strutted around his bone, occasionally pretending to head-butt the pigs just for the fun of it. This was his territory! He was the king of the pig-pen, the favourite of his master, the ultimate pig! There was no one in the world who dared challenge his authority, for he was Okita Saizou, the Pig!

No wait. There was one who dared rise to challenge his rule. That… girl-pig his master had brought back today. That girl-pig named Aoi that dared to seduce his master away from him.

With a condescending snort, Saizou left the bone for the rest of the pigs to play while he stormed towards the little pink blob in the corner the best a pig with too large a body and tiny legs could storm. The pink blob of a female turned around to face him as he reached her, as did all the other pigs around them.

A deadly silence fell over the pig-pen as Saizou faced off with Aoi, his snort bobbing in anticipation of the head-butting he was going to deliver to this usurper of thrones.

"Bu-ei!" he accused, starting to paw the ground in preparation of a head-butt.

Aoi stared at him before backing her little curly tail straight into the side of the pig-pen. "Bu-ei!" she cried frantically, looking to the other pigs for help. Silence greeted her cry, and Saizou started to paw the ground faster.

"Bu-ei!" he screamed and charged forward.

"Bu-ei!" Aoi shrieked and turned to run.

Squealing in blood lust, Saizou chased after her. Years of practice had perfected his sprinting skills, and he was able to bring his relatively large bulk from a position of stillness to a position of full-speed sprinting in less than a second. This girl was finished!

"Bu-ei!" he cried shrilly, certain victory was on hand.

Then he saw it; the girl was stuck in a corner.

Aoi looked around frantically before attempting to scale the fence. Unfortunately, the fence at the Shinsengumi pig-pen was as good as the fence at the Akimoto farm, and she ended up sliding back down to the ground again – where Saizou, the Pig was waiting for her.

"Bu-ei," Saizou said evilly as she shrieked in terror.

"Bu-ei!" Aoi cried and backed off even further.

"Bu-ei," Saizou squealed then charged.

At the same moment, Aoi drew back. All Saizou could see was a rather pretty snout charging towards him before the world turned an unholy shade of pink and black.

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The Akimoto farm squatted before him like an ugly lump of mud in the middle of the beautiful sunset and glittering waterways. Okita sighed in pleasure; now he had a name to it, the place where his one true love life would begin, and the name of the lovely girl who had captured his heart with her wonderful wood-work.

Adjusting his fresh gi and striped hakama, Okita cleared his throat, checked his reflection in one of the irrigation channels then stepped up to the house and knocked politely.

"Anyone home?" he called. "Hello?"

The door started to slide open then the same brown eyes peeked through the crack. There was a startled drawing in of breath then the door started to close hurriedly. Before it could however, Okita put a hand through the crack and pushed back. "Hello!" he cried, trying to sound happy and polite with his hand caught painfully between the door and the wall. "Hi! Remember me? I decided to come back for more piglets because I really like Aoi! You know… the one I adopted today?" He smiled, hoping that his smile looked more like the one he usually had when playing with Saizou instead of the one he usually had when slaughtering Choshu rebels.

There was a slight pause then the door opened again and the lovely girl was standing there, staring up at him suspiciously.

"Um…" Okita rubbed his hand and winced. "Hi, I'm Okita Souji… rou. You remember?"

A quick, curt nod.

"Right," Okita said, casually stepping into the house. "You don't have to be so stiff, you know? I'm not here to hurt you! I just want to look at the cute little piglets again." He flashed his most charming smile. Unfortunately, it did little more than bounce off the stiff mask she had placed over her face.

The girl gestured towards the back of the house where the pig-pen was, and ushered him forward.

"By the way," Okita went on, undeterred. "Would your name happen to be Akimoto Miharu?" Even before he turned around, he already sensed the tension around the girl thickened. "Don't worry," he said quickly before she could reach for some sort of weapon. "I'm a friend of Nagakura Shinpachi! He told me your name."

Miharu's shoulders relaxed slightly then she gave him a grudging smile. "I am Akimoto Miharu," she replied in a voice so soft Okita had to strain to hear her. "You are… Okita Soujirou?"

"Ah…yes," Okita said, wondering if he should tell her his real name. "That's how I like to be known anyhow."

The girl nodded quickly then pointed towards the pigs. Okita smiled, inwardly cursing the briefness of the conversation as she led him towards the pig pen.

"Oh, that's a lovely pig," he said distractedly, pointing in the general direction of a pink blob making its way across the pig-pen.

"Toshi."

"What?" Okita's head snapped up (or rather, down) to stare at the girl.

A blush lit up the tanned face. "That's Toshi," she said shyly. "He's Aoi's father."

"Toshi's Aoi's father," Okita said blankly then clamped a hand over his mouth quickly to stifle the giggles that erupted from his mouth. "That's a very… apt name…"

The blush on her face deepened. Okita chose to take it as a good sign.

Beaming, he reached over the pen and easily snagged out Toshi, the Pig with one hand, bringing the squealing, struggling, grumbling pig to his chest. "How cute," he said happily. "I think I shall have this pig! Toshi, what a simply adorable name." He sniggered helplessly, his mind already thinking of how he was going to convince Hijikata Toshizou to adopt this pig for his own – a thought, which was quickly pushed to the back of his mind. The mission on hand was to win the heart of the lovely Akimoto Miharu.

Petting the pig casually, he smiled at her and asked, "Did I scare you the last time I was here? I'm really sorry if I did."

If it was even possible, the blush deepened even further. "N… n… n… n…"

"N?"

"N… no…" Miharu stammered, her hands fiddling with the edge of her sleeves. "Maybe… a little…?"

"How terrible," Okita said solemnly, trying to keep the victorious smile off his face. "Am I really that scary?"

A shake of the head.

"But I must make it up to you then," Okita went on, as if he had just thought of it. "I know this lovely restaurant on Third Street that sells the best dessert! Perhaps, we can meet there tomorrow for lunch? Excellent, that will do." He smiled as the girl blinked at him confusedly, her mouth opening and closing as she tried to think of something to say.

Careful to speak fast enough so she could not protest, but just slow enough to not sound pushy Okita said, "Then that's settled! Well, I'll take Toshi home now, if you don't mind, and we will meet tomorrow for lunch! I'll come here to pick you up, Akimoto-san… or Miharu-chan. Can I call you Miharu-chan? That's such a lovely name to call you, Miharu-chan. Well, that's settled anyway, so see you tomorrow! Bye!" Grinning happily, Okita skipped off, leaving the girl behind, her mouth opening and closing as she tried to figure out what just happened.

Things could not have gone more smoothly.

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"See, I was right!" Shinpachi hissed. "He _was_ getting a new pig!"

"Yeah, we all agreed with you, Shinpachi," Sano grumbled.

"Quiet, you idiots," Heisuke shushed. "Souji might hear us!"

All three of them craned their necks to peep out of the large bush they had chosen to hide themselves in. "I don't think he noticed," Sano observed.

"Yeah… man, he looks really happy," Shinpachi muttered. "That boy and his pigs."

"Pigs are yummy," Sano observed solemnly.

"Right," Heisuke mumbled, rolling his eyes. "Let Souji hear that and you are so dead."

"Who's that girl?"

All three of them jumped, causing the leaves of the bush to rustle. "Hajime," Shinpachi hissed. "You almost gave us away."

"Who's that girl?" Saitou repeated, pointing at the small figure in the plain blue yukata that was standing at the doorway of the farm, watching Okita Souji disappear down the mud road.

"Oh that…" Shinpachi said dismissively. "That's Miharu, the girl Souji was asking about. She practically runs the place because her mother's always on the fields working."

"Oh so that's the girl Souji's been sucking up to in order to get the pigs?" Sano asked.

"Seems so," Shinpachi replied.

Heisuke sighed. "Look at the girl, look at her, boys," he said, his voice barely above a whisper. Saitou, Shinpachi and Sano turned to look.

"What are we looking at again?" Sano asked.

"The girl," Shinpachi reminded him.

"Look at her soft, doe-eyes staring wistfully after Souji," Heisuke said, clasping his hands together. "Look at the sweet blush glowing at the apples of her cheeks. Look at her hands, clenching the front of her yukata in desire. Look at the woman who is so in love. Oh, she is so in love!" He grinned woozily.

"Heisuke," Shinpachi muttered, rubbing the bridge of his nose. "Stop being such a useless romantic. This isn't the time to celebrate."

"What do you mean it isn't?" Heisuke protested. "Love is in the air, my friends, love! The big 'L' that reduces men and women alike to a different kind of 'L'."

"Precisely," Shinpachi snapped. "Look at what Souji's doing to her!"

"What?" Heisuke asked.

"What?" Sano asked.

"What… ah, I know. The other 'L' refers to 'loser', does it not?" Saitou asked.

"Souji's playing with her feelings!" Shinpachi almost screamed, ignoring Saitou completely. "He's pretending to like her so he can get the pigs, and once he gets the pigs, he's going to dump her! Think of what he's doing to the poor girl!"

"That's right!" Heisuke cried, standing up so his head and shoulders poked out through the bush. "Her heart will be so broken! Night after night, she will lie on her futon, clutching her blanket to her face, eyes red and swollen from hours of weeping! Day after day, she will gaze down the mud road, hoping against all hope for the reappearance of her beautiful Shinsengumi Captain in his Sky-Blue and Pearl-White, Hundred Percent Cotton, Hand-washed and Squeezed-dried haori to sweep her off her feet! Years will go past, and still her heart will cling to the last image she saw of her Okita Souji as he left her with all her pigs and her poor, aching heart! In no place will she find space to allow for new suitors to come! She shall remain alone until merciful Death decides to claim her in his bony embrace. Alas, the tragedy! Alas, the shame! Alas! Alas! And again - alas!"

"… Right," Shinpachi said, rolling his eyes.

"What?" Sano questioned, his eyebrows meeting above the bridge of his nose in confusion.

"In summary," Shinpachi sighed. "Souji's going to break the poor girl's heart."

"He's going to kill her?"

"No, but he's going to hurt her emotionally."

"Emotionally?"

"Ah, gee! He's going to hurt her, okay?" Shinpachi shouted, leaping to his feet, so the top of his hair showed over the bush. "He's going to hurt her bad just to get his stupid pigs!"

"Okay, okay, I get it," Sano said, climbing to his feet. "He's going to rob her, right? So we stop him, okay?"

"No!" Shinpachi shrieked. "That's not it, you i…"

"Gentlemen?" Saitou questioned mildly. "This may not be the best place to carry out this argument."

All three of the Comedian Trio froze and looked around, suddenly realising that they were screaming obscenities from the middle of a bush in the middle of a nice rural area just outside Kyoto. It was only by sheer fortune that Miharu had already disappeared into the house, thus missing the sight of a bush with three heads sticking out of it, screaming obscenities. Shinpachi cleared his throat uncomfortably. "Um… eh… there's nothing wrong here," he said to no one in particular. "Um… anyone who was listening… eh… bye?" Quickly, the three of them climbed out of the bush and ran off down the road back into Kyoto.

Saitou slowly extracted himself from the bush and stared at the house thoughtfully. Finally, a faint smile curved around his lips. "I see," he said. "Yes, that would be a very good idea indeed."

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Akimoto Miharu was not a mute; that was a fact as is now known to one Okita Souji. In fact, she could be fairly eloquent if she wanted to be, and if circumstances allowed it. However, since those circumstances needed usually involved the non-existence of any living, breathing, and generally, functioning human being, she found her eloquence one of the best well-kept secrets of Kyoto since the dawn of mankind.

Due to her general quietness, many people thought Akimoto Miharu was retarded (or, to be politically correct, mentally disadvantaged). That was also not true. In fact, Akimoto Miharu was a woman of great intelligence. However, since people judge the intelligence of others by their words, and Akimoto Miharu had none to share with others, this other aspect of her becoming the next best well-kept secret of Kyoto (next only, because her mother was aware that her daughter was by no means, an idiot).

At that moment however, both aspects of her had chosen to stop functioning despite the evident lack of living, breathing, and generally, functioning human beings around. That was a most perplexing puzzle, but given the remaining intelligence she had that still functioned, she guessed it had something to do with the fact that one of the cutest, most charming men she has ever known has just asked her out on a date.

Which was, of course, not a date, because it was only lunch and the purpose behind it was to apologise for… whatever it was that he was apologising for (she hadn't asked, and he hadn't made it clear). Thus, at the most, it was an apology-date, which was not the same as a date because an apology-date had a perfectly appropriate reason behind it while a date had all the most inappropriate reasons her mother could think of behind it.

Akimoto Miharu rose from her place by the pig-pen, raised a twig and snapped it in two.

Who was she kidding? This was a date alright; the first date she had ever had in her entire life, but a date all the same. Someone had actually asked Miharu out.

She supposed she should be excited, thrilled, flattered, maybe even a little… overwhelmed by the suddenness of the whole thing. Or perhaps, she should be busy dreaming about the beautiful young man that had swept into her life like hurricane, and intended to stay there, whipping her higher and higher until she could fly forever and ever on length. Maybe, she should even be thinking about her mother, and what the woman would think of her going on a date with a stranger, a man she had met only twice, and who seemed to have a rather unnatural… obsession with pigs.

Not that she had any right to question his obsession, hers was probably as deep. But she was a girl, and that made it somehow less… less… perverse…

Either way, Miharu was certain she was supposed to be thinking those thoughts or feeling those giddy emotions, but she was not. In fact, the only thing she had on her mind was, "What the hell am I suppose to wear tomorrow?"

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Saizou curled up in a corner of the pig-pen, nursing his slightly bruised snout grumpily. His sister tried to approach him but he chased her away with a loud squeal of piggish wrath. Now, none of the pigs would dare come near him, so he knew his authority was still in tact.

That however, did not change the fact that deep inside, he was still burning with wrath with what that insolent girl had dared to do to him.

Admittedly, a boy rushing at her like this could be mistaken for a pervert, and thus given a resounding snout-butt. However, he was more than certain she was aware he wasn't trying to take advantage of her. What was there to take advantage of anyway? Sure, she had a really beautiful snout, and her figure was most certainly the best he had seen in any pig. Hell, she almost looked like a perfect circle; where do you find figures like this nowadays with all those cross-breeding they were doing with those miserable breeds from Hokkaido. And of course, she had the perfect little black-current eyes that were the latest fashion trend among sows… but still… she was obviously not a desirable sow, that was for certain.

Grumbling miserably to himself, Saizou gave his throbbing snout a gentle lick before climbing back to his feet.

No one hit Saizou like that and gets away with it. She may be a girl-pig, and his master's current favourite pig, but that did not change anything. Saizou would make her pay, oh he will make her pay so bad.

He just needed to know how.

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The next day dawned bright and early the next day, and already, Miharu found herself sitting in front of the dirty mirror in her home, staring forlornly at her reflection. As a matter of fact, she had been staring at it for the better part of fifteen minutes already, yet the answer to her questions still evaded her like safety pins evaded re-discovery when you seriously needed them.

What had the handsome young man seen in her? It wasn't like she was particularly beautiful; she was just a little too much on the plump side, her eyes were too big, her skin was too dark and her hair was a dull colour somewhere between black and a very dark brown. Her hands were rough and calloused from years of hard work, her legs were short and muscular and her… chest was too small for her size. Not to mention the fact that the dear man had witnessed her throw two full grown man over the boundaries of her property and… well… she had… hit the other man with her… very handy wooden plank.

It had to be a prank, she decided, or perhaps, the handsome, charming, sexy, eloquent… man worked for slave traders. Maybe he was trying to kidnap her and sell her to the Shimabara district. Or maybe he was one of those terrible lads who spent their days charming girls into their beds then breaking their hearts.

With things thought through rationally in her mind, Miharu nodded emphatically to herself and deliberately drew her eyes away from her mirror. Of course he had some evil ulterior motive for asking her out on a date (and her cheeks flamed up at the thought of a date); why else would he want to date a silent, ugly country bumpkin like herself? Thus, she would not go on this silly lunch date; it would be dangerous to. When he showed up, she wouldn't even open the door; she would just hide in the back until he finally left. And if he tried to force his way in, she would show him what she could do with a cushion and two sewing needles.

That's right… she would show him what she could do. It was a sad day for him the moment he decided to hunt down Akimoto Miharu!

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"Hello, Miharu-chan! You look absolutely stunning today!" Okita chirped happily, dressed in his best hakama and gi. "What a lovely colour! I always thought purple suits you fantastically."

Miharu stood at the doorway of her home, her face even redder than the pink flowers that decorated her best kimono. What had happened to her resolve? She had been holding out so well against him, keeping the door locked even as he knocked on it. Then he had started speaking, saying, "Oh well, I expect you aren't done yet with your clothes and hair. That's okay, I can wait for you. Please don't bother yourself with dressing up for me though, because that would make me feel so guilty for putting you through so much trouble. I do think you look beautiful even in a plain white yukata." The next thing she knew, she had opened the door and was now standing before him dressed her best, even though she had sworn she would not go on this date with this mysterious but… charming, handsome… man.

And now, she had no choice but to slowly proceed down the steps when he gestured enthusiastically for her to do so. "You are so beautiful, Miharu-chan," he said, the casualness of his tone somehow adding sincerity to the compliment. "And what an absolutely lovely pin that is! It matches your eyes perfectly."

Now, the blush was not just on her cheeks, but all over her face. Miharu always had a problem speaking in front of strangers, but now, she really found herself tongue-tied. How handsome the man looked with his long purple hair tied in a high pony-tail and his frame given bulk by the blue gi and black hakama he was wearing! He looked so much like a samurai, except he did not have a sword tucked in his belt. Yet, he did not look like a farmer; he was too pale to be. A merchant's son then… or perhaps, a noble's son.

Her cheeks flushed at that thought but she sternly reminded herself that if he was nobility, he would have no problem having his way with her then leaving her with her purity in shreds; his father and his position would protect him from whatever claims she made. She really had to be on the tip of her toes today – both literally and metaphorically speaking. If he tried anything… even give a hint that he was about to try anything, she would turn end run as fast as her legs could carry her.

Not that running would work probably, given how restricting her kimono was.

"Miharu-chan?"

She startled, turning to stare at him. Her eyes met his and those beautiful purple eyes seemed to burn into hers. Then she averted her eyes quickly, aware that she had just stepped out of her place. However, he did not seem to mind.

"Are you okay?" he asked concernedly. "You do look a little distracted."

Miharu started to shake her head then paused. "I… did not tell my mother I was leaving for lunch," she lied softly. "She would expect me home when she comes back in the afternoon. I would have to be home then or she would worry and perhaps inform the Kyoto Patrol Squad or even the Shinsengumi. That would not bode well for either of us." It took some time to unwind her tongue enough to speak; fortunately, the words came smoothly.

"Indeed." The man actually did look truly worried at that thought. Miharu smiled mentally; it seemed that her ploy to throw him off selling her to Shimabara had worked. "We would have to hurry then," he went on, the charming smile springing back onto his face. "Fortunately, the diner I was talking about isn't far from here. You really have to try their beef stew; it is the best in the whole of Kyoto."

She nodded hurriedly, but her mind was already made up. There was no way in heaven, hell or earth she was going to eat anything he offered. Who knows what goes into the food the demon gives to you?

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"Isn't the beef stew delicious?" Okita cried, scooping generous mouthful into his mouth. His smile weakened however, when he saw her frown before nodding reluctantly and eating her share.

Fixing the smile carefully on his face, Okita turned his mind to the problem in front of him, letting instinct hold his smile in place while his hand fed un-tasted beef stew into his mouth.

Never in his life had he ever encountered a girl who was this cold and indifferent to his advances. What was he doing wrong here? He had been as charming as possible, as polite as possible… as much of a gentleman as is possible… and he was even dressed more like a man today than usual. Was it… something else then?

As discreetly as possible, Okita tried took a quick sniff at his gi. It still smelt fresh, and he had taken a long bath this morning, so it wasn't _that_. Then… was there something in his eyes? A swift probe with his free hand proved that wasn't the case. Perhaps he hadn't shaved meticulously enough… but no, he had asked Ayumu for her opinion on his shaving and she had given him an 'okay'. So… what else was there? Had he been rude or insulted her in someway without realising it? Or… Oh god, it had to be his hair. He must have a few messy strands hanging loose, he was sure of it. Girls dig neatness, and his hair must be a mess. Damn the existence of long hair! Damn those purple tresses! Damn… no wait… his reflection in his tea cup told him his hair was still in decent shape.

Then it had to be _it._ The _it_ that had cursed him ever since he could walk, talk and eat on his own. The _it_ that had driven him to tears so many times he was certain he had no longer anymore tears to shed for this _it_ (which is just as well as big boys don't cry). It was _it_. It had to be; the bane of Okita Souji's existence – his god-awful resemblance to a very beautiful woman.

Damn. Damn. Damn.

Trying his best to stop himself from screaming his gender and sexual orientation for the whole world to hear, Okita straightened up in his seat and lowered his chopsticks to the holder.

The girl's eyes flickered up to his face. Within those beautiful doe-eyes, Okita saw surprise and fear. He supposed that was normal; most girls would feel his wrath at the end of a relationship. Since this one hadn't even begun, he supposed he should reign in his anger and just tell her to go.

"Miharu-chan… no, Akimoto-san is more appropriate I suppose," he said coldly. "I think we should stop playing games right now. It is time to end this."

"W… what?" she stammered, looking so exquisitely beautiful with her wide-opened eyes and slightly parted lips.

Okita closed his eyes, trying his best to harden his heart against her beauty. "This cannot go on any longer," he said sternly. "You know what I mean."

"I… I do not…" she whispered fearfully. "I do not know what you mean."

"Yes you do," Okita said, feeling his anger slipping into his voice. "You know exactly what I mean."

There was a long silence then the girl's head dropped like a stone, her chin almost hitting her bosom. "Yes I do," she whispered, tears shimmering in her eyes. "I know what you mean. I wouldn't go with you, you know I wouldn't; no decent girl would allow something this awful to happen to her."

Okita jerked back involuntarily, as if he had been hit in the face. "I… I… I understand," he said, his voice trembling. "But… but you must understand; I do not have a choice. I was born like this. I cannot change what I am."

"Yes you can," she said, her voice still soft but with a hard edge in it. "No man is born evil."

"Evil?" Okita choked, his heart hurt thoroughly. "Y… you are the one that is evil! You are the one that is cruel! I cannot believe it… such a beautiful woman… yet so cruel…"

"Any woman would call you evil," she said, tears pouring down her face. "You are evil."

"Is it a crime?" Okita cried, ignoring the weird stares directed at the pair. "Tell me, Akimoto-san! Is it a crime for a man to be born with womanly features?"

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Miharu blinked rapidly, startled by the hurt in the man's eyes and his cheeks that were burning with humiliation. What was he talking about? Here he was, finally confessing to her that he was going to kidnap her and sell her to Shimabara, but suddenly he was talking about his feminine features. What…

"What are you talking about?" she asked, feeling slightly confused.

"You know what I'm talking about!" the young man who called himself Okita Soujirou cried. "You are not interested in me because I look like a woman!"

"A woman?" Miharu ran her eyes over his face. Now that he mentioned it, there was something rather feminine about his soft, delicate features. "I… I didn't mean that."

"You called me evil because I look like a woman," Okita insisted stubbornly, crossing his arms and pouting, looking all the world like a child who had just been denied a trip to the fair.

Epiphany hit her like a block of stone, and a furious blush rose on Miharu's cheeks. "I… that wasn't what I meant," she said hurriedly. "I… I thought you were talking about something else!"

"Then what were you talking about… oh…" Okita's eyes trailed off, for some reason to the light blue and white bowl that held his miso soup. "I see."

"Yes," Miharu said quickly, still feeling the burn of humiliation.

"Yes, indeed."

"I thought you were going to sell me to Shimabara…"

"You know I'm a Shinsengumi Captain…"

There was a long silence as they stared at each other in total shock. Then both of them blushed intensely.

"I think…" Okita said, staring at his knees. "I think that we both need to do some serious explaining to each other."

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"You thought I was going to sell you to Shimabara?" Okita questioned, his eyes wide in shock and a startling innocence. "Why on earth… I mean, why would you think that?"

Miharu blushed as red as the sky at dawn. "I don't know…" she mumbled, staring at her tiny feet. "Because… I'm ugly?"

Okita tilted his head in confusion. "You thought I was going to sell you to Shimabara because you are ugly?" he asked. "I mean… well… sorry, but I don't really get it; could you elaborate, please?"

"I mean…" Miharu glared at the ties of her sandals studiously, avoiding the purple eyes that seemed to bore right into her soul. "You… you shouldn't want to… well… how would I… I mean…" Her voice trailed off into silence.

"Well…" Okita said politely. "I'm sure you have explained yourself very well with your elaboration, but I'm not quite sure that I understood it. I apologise, but using my brain has never been one of my fortes."

Miharu's blush deepened considerably and she transferred her eyes from her sandals to the floor. "I mean…" she stammered in a stunning display of eloquence. "I mean… you are…you are… really cute so… I thought you were going to… I mean…"

"You thought I was going to sell you to Shimabara because I am cute?" Okita wondered. "Thank you for the compliment… I suppose… but eh… cute?"

"I mean…" Miharu stammered hurriedly, feeling even more flustered if that was possible. "I mean… you are cute and I am ugly… so… I mean…"

"Okay," Okita said slowly. "Eh… I don't really… eh… alright, never mind. I think we should start all over again." He waited for her to stop nodding furiously before he continued. "My name is Okita Souji," he said. "I am a Shinsengumi Captain and I have taken a fancy to you because you are obviously very well-versed in beating up people." He paused, and looked at her expectantly.

"M… my name is Akimoto Miharu…" she stammered, fiddling with the edge of her sleeves. "I'm the daughter of Akimoto Keiko… eh… I'm a farmer's daughter… and I… I…"

"Yes?" Okita asked, his tone polite, but unable to conceal the eagerness hidden beneath all the sugar and seasoning.

"I… I…"

"You?"

"I… I fancy you… Okita Souji…" she whispered. "Because… you… you… you are the cutest… man I have ever… met."

And Okita's face split into a wide smile of triumph.

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"Souji's up to something," Hijikata muttered fearfully as he watched the first captain skip past his room, smiling happily to himself. "He is so up to something."

"Huh?" Tetsu questioned loudly. "Did you say something, Hijikata-san?"

"Shush!" Hijikata snapped, clamping a hand around Tetsu's mouth quickly. "He'll hear you, you idiot!"

"Mmf?" Tetsu spluttered, his eyes wide and terrified.

"If he hears we suspect something, we are dead, do you hear me?" Hijikata hissed into Tetsu's ear. "If he finds out we think something is wrong and that we've been following him all over town because of it, we are dead. Even if we didn't find anything, the pressure of being constantly under the surveillance of an adult authority usually causes teenagers to react with rebellion or even violence. At least that's what Kondou says, but you get what I mean, right?"

Tetsu stared blankly at the growling, perspiring face before nodding frantically.

"Good," Hijikata whispered. "Now pretend nothing happened and go back to doing…"

"Hijikata-san?"

Tetsu screamed into the huge hand enveloping his face when he heard the demon vice-commander give a terrifying shriek of surprise. The next thing he knew, he was spun around to face the owner of the voice so swiftly he was certain his knees were still pointing in the opposite direction.

"Souji!" Hijikata commented in an unnaturally loud and tensed voice. "What are you doing here?"

Okita gave his vice-commander a curious look. "I was wondering what you were doing to Tetsu-kun here," he said mildly. "You aren't bullying him again, are you?"

Tetsu raised terrified eyes to the purple, curious ones. Yes, he was being bullied! Okita-san had to save him! Let the telepathy between mentor and pupil be established! Let Okita-san realise he was in trouble!

"Not at all," Hijikata said promptly, ignoring the muffled shrieks that erupted from his page. "I was merely demonstrating to him the art of wrestling."

"In your room?" Tetsu tried to shriek, but nothing came out of his constricted throat.

"Gah! I mean… of course! You can't expect me to take up the dojo when our men need training, and god forbid I roll about in the backyard with all that mud and pebbles with a little under-aged kid where everyone can see!"

"Oh well… if that's the case," Okita said absent-mindedly. "Have fun the both of you." Without looking back, he wandered out of the room, a dreamy smile on his face.

"Okita-san!" Tetsu wailed.

"Shut up!" Hijikata hissed. "Do you want to die?"

Sniffling miserably, Tetsu shook his head, trying to blink back the tears that welled up in his eyes.

"Then be quiet."

Tetsu nodded and Hijikata released him. "What was that all about?" he wailed, and immediately, the Hand clamped down on his mouth again.

"Shut up and I'll explain!" Hijikata growled.

For two seconds, all Tetsu could do was stare blankly at his vice-commander. Was the demon actually trying to bribe him into silence with information? Could there really be something wrong with Okita-san? Could… could Okita-san be… under surveillance because…

"He's a spy?" Tetsu whispered.

"What?" Hijikata's eyes focused on the page. "What did you say?"

"Okita-san's a spy… oh god!" Then Tetsu leapt to his feet and scrambled out of the room, wailing for his Tatsu-nii.

Hijikata stared after his page in horror. "A spy?" he gasped, putting a hand to his chest. "Souji's a spy? Oh god..." Past memories of his death threats to the young boy he had adopted as his own rose to the surface and a tragic sob escaped his throat. It would seem that words have come to truth, and though he had never thought it possible, it would seem that in the near future, he would have to carry out the exact threats he had made so many years back.

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Blissfully unaware of his impending doom, Okita Souji skipped down the corridor of the Shinsengumi headquarters, his head filled with images of the lovely Akimoto Miharu.

Since that unfortunate misunderstanding at the restaurant just three days back, their relationship had blossomed like a flower under sunlight. Meeting almost everyday, they would spend the time walking around town or sitting by a river, eating candy and talking. They haven't exactly progressed into holding hands or hugging yet, but Okita was sure those days would come soon. Already, she was smiling and talking more to him, and several times, he had caught her staring at him with a… well… wistful look on her face.

Grinning happily, Okita twirled in a tiny circle, disregarding how… unmanly that made him look. Who cares about looking unmanly anyway? He already had a lovely lady by his side who didn't give two cents that he looked like a girl (especially when he stood next to Hijikata-san or Harada-san, those miserable, well-developed, masculine… eh… never mind). Soon, they would be meeting at the base of the large tree by the bridge, the very bridge he had crossed to reach his dear, beloved Miharu.

"Lovely, lovely, lovely Miharu-chan," he whispered dreamily, hugging himself and giving another happy little twirl (much to the dismay and embarrassment of the First Squad that had just happened to wander past)."We will be so happy together forever and ever and ever… Hajime-san!"

Saitou looked down blankly as Okita found himself stumbling backwards to avoid a head-on collision with what had previously been nothing more than a shadow.

"Ah, Okita," Saitou said politely.

Laughing nervously, Okita straightened his gi and hakama. "Hello, Hajime-san!" he greeted cheerfully. "Isn't it a lovely day today?"

"Indeed, Okita. Such a clear day shall spawn a clear night where killing will be made much easier for indeed, there is a black aura in the air today."

"Oh yes! I was thinking exactly that! The weather's great for dates… I mean… eh… well… dates too…I guess…"

"Indeed. I may be going out with my girlfriend later."

It was to Okita's credit that he managed to keep his face straight as he stared into Saitou Hajime's solemn face. "Ah… I see… eh… girlfriend?" he squeaked.

"Yes," Saitou replied solemnly, fingering his black prayer beads. Much to Okita's dismay and amusement, a faint blush coloured the pale white sheet that was more commonly known as Saitou Hajime's face. "It is a girl I met one night on patrol. She is… quite unique with the najinta I must say."

"I see," Okita said, nodding knowingly. "It's really all in the arm swing, isn't it?"

"And the way her eyes look, of course," Saitou added. "And the way her voice sounds when she swings down."

"Yes! Yes!" Okita cried excitedly. "It's absolutely thrilling the way her voice sounds, especially just before impact! And the way her back curves when she swings down! It's like watching a snake coil back before striking."

"Oh yes," Saitou murmured. "That is indeed most thrilling to observe."

"Well then," Okita said cheerfully. "Don't let me take up your time! I myself am going off on a… well… meeting! See you around, Hajime-san."

"One more thing, Okita."

"Yes?"

"Be gentle, will you?"

"Huh?"

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"There he is," a pile of dirty laundry whispered.

"I can't see a thing."

"That's because you've totally buried yourself, idiot," a bush muttered disgustedly.

"People," the pile of dirty laundry said impatiently. "Come on, we've got to follow him."

"How do we know he's meeting that Akimoto girl now anyway?" the pile of dirt muttered.

"How do we know pigs can't fly?"

"What?"

"Oh for god's sake, stop being a moron and move it!"

"Fine!"

With a lot of muttering, scowling and general cursing, the respective piles of dirty laundry and dirt, and a bush started to move towards the entrance of the Shinsengumi compound.

"Why are we doing this again?" the pile of dirt complained.

"Because we have to stop Souji from breaking the innocent heart of a lovely, adorable young woman with her future ahead of her," the bush replied, making odd sniffing noises. "It may be painful for her now, but much better now than never! She must realise that in Souji's eyes she is nothing more than a means to an… ow! What the hell…! Who kicked me in the posterior?"

"Posterior," the pile of dirty laundry muttered. "Whatever happened to good, old 'ass'? Oh wait, don't answer that. Can we just move?"

"I've moving, damn it!"

"Ok! Fine!"

With even more muttering, scowling and general cursing, the respective piles of dirty laundry and dirt, and a bush started to move out of the entrance of the Shinsengumi compound.

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"Hey Kato."

"Yeah, Kaito?"

"Did we just see a pile of dirty laundry, a pile of dirt and a bush leave the compound?"

"Sure seems like that to me."

"Do we have to report to Hijikata-san? After all, we are supposed to be guarding the front door now."

"Nah, it doesn't matter."

"Why?"

"'Cos during your pee-break, Hijikata-san just left the compound with his sword in hand and tears streaming down his face."

"Tears streaming down his face? What blasphemy! Give me a second to cross myself! Eh… should we report to Kondou-san?"

"Nah."

"Why not?"

"He'll never believe us. Besides, we don't want to be hanged for blasphemy now, would we?"

"Oh."

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Okita reached out a hand and stroked the rough bark of the huge tree. A smile graced his face as he inhaled in the sweet fragrance of nature: a woody scent with a dash of animal faecal scent. He loved this beautiful tree. Not only was it the home of many cute, adorable little birds, his first kill was also made here; and of course, subsequent dates with Miharu had started with a meeting here. It was indeed a beautiful tree with many beautiful memories of his embedded in here.

"Okita-san."

"Miharu!" Grinning enthusiastically, he bounded up to the petite figure making her way across the bridge, waving shyly. "My darling, darling Miharu-chan!" He snatched her up in a huge embrace, laughing as she blushed furiously.

"I made dessert," she mumbled softly, holding out a piece of cloth. "It's mochi."

"Mochi!" Okita cried, delighted. "Thank you! We shall eat it later by the river!"

"Okay." She beamed up at him and his heart melted.

"Let's take a rest under this tree," he suggested, leading her to the base of the tree. "You look a little tired. Was work in the fields tiring?"

"I am used to it," Miharu said distractedly as she tried to find a nice clean spot to sit on (even though she had obviously _not_ spent hours making sure her prettily decorated kimono was in perfect shape).

"You are so good at what you do," Okita said, smiling as he patted her hand chastely.

"Thank you…" she mumbled, blushing furiously as she contemplated patting his hands back.

He smiled at her, watching the wind caress her hair gently. Without thinking, he reached out to touch her hair.

"Oh!"

"I'm sorry," Okita said hurriedly, pulling his hand back. "That was way too presumptuous of me…"

"It's okay."

"Really?"

"Yes, it's okay… S… S… S… S… Souji-chan."

For two blissful minutes, time seemed to stop as the two lovers gazed deeply into each others' eyes. Love and peace seemed to blossom under the warm sunshine as the wind ran its wandering fingers across their hair and clothes. Slowly, but with all the grace of an experienced lover, Okita reached out and touched her calloused fingers again.

"Miharu-chan," he whispered.

"Souji-chan…" she murmured back. Then blushing, she gently started to pull back her sleeves.

Okita stared mesmerised as her knuckles (and what lovely knuckles!) started to show. Very soon, very soon… the beautiful, unexplored regions of her wrist! Very soon…

"Miharu-chan…" he gasped soundlessly, afraid that if he made a sound, she would stop.

The back of her hand! What a lovely sight to behold! To think he should be her very first! The very first man to gaze upon the sweetness of her secret flesh that was the back of her hand!

"Miharu-chan…" he gasped again, this time, the words coming out in a breathless whisper. "Oh my love…"

"Don't say a word," she whispered as her sleeve continued its ascent. "Oh, don't say a word my love!"

"My love!"

"Oh, don't speak!"

"My beautiful love!"

"Don't! Please don't speak!"

"I love you."

"Souji-chan!"

"Stop this instance!"

Okita jumped as Miharu uttered a silent scream and dropped her sleeve rapidly. "Who's that?" he cried, turning around – only to find himself attacked by what looked like a giant fudonshi.

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"Souji! How could you?" the fudonshi wailed as it thrust itself into Okita's face.

"What?" Okita stammered, trying to move his face away from the offending article of clothing. "Who is…"

"Souji!" a bush cried, stumbling heavily as it made it's way towards him. "Souji! I demand you stop this instance! Souji!"

"What? What? What?" Okita wailed, trying to remember if he had accidentally fallen asleep under the tree. "Who is this? Who is… Harada-san? Why are you covered in mud?"

"I'm not too sure myself. Ask Shinpachi."

"Nagakura-san? The… eh… bush?"

"Yes! Urg! Sano! Get me out! I'm stuck! Ow! Help!"

Okita moved forward instinctively towards the bush but stopped when the fudonshi intercepted his path suddenly.

"Souji!" the fudonshi cried. "Look at me! Look at me this very instance!"

"Thank you very much, but I've rather not… is that Hajime-san's fudonshi?"

"W… what? Oh shit! Gross!" The fudonshi was flung away to reveal a very flustered Heisuke, just as Shinpachi was torn from his bush by a roaring Harada Sanosuke.

"There!" Shinpachi said triumphantly from his rather undignified position in Sano's grasp. "Got free!"

"What is going on?" Miharu whispered nervously, pulling at Okita's sleeve. "Nagakura-san? Is that you?"

"Yes it is. Oh for goodness sake, put me down, Sano!"

"Yes master."

Okita crossed his arms in annoyance as he frowned at his Shinsengumi mates. "What is going on?" he demanded.

"Souji," Heisuke said urgently, grasping the slender man's shoulders firmly. "Please listen to me, listen to reason! Listen to your heart, your conscience, your honour!"

"I would if I knew what to listen for!"

"Get out of the way Heisuke!" Shinpachi said impatiently, shoving his friend away. "Listen Souji, you've got to stop this façade this instance! Do you realise what you're doing?"

Okita blushed furiously, remembering the sweet sight of the back of Miharu's hands. "I do," he said dejectedly. "But really… would it hurt that bad? I know it would be bad for her reputation but… honestly…"

"Stop being so selfish!" Shinpachi screeched, trying to reach Okita's shoulders so he could shake some sense into the teen. "How could you place a woman's honour in jeopardy to satisfy your own selfish desires?"

"You're right," Okita said mournfully. "I really am so sorry Miharu-chan; what we did just now was absolutely inappropriate."

"It's okay," Miharu said hurriedly. "It was my fault; I encouraged you… I mean! Oh!" Blushing miserably, she retreated behind Okita's back as the three other men focused their attention on her.

"That really isn't enough, you know?" Heisuke chided. "A mere apology is hardly sufficient for the pain you have put poor Miharu-chan through! Looking at her cute little form, I really can't understand how you could have found the heart to hurt her so!"

Okita's face turned an unhealthy shade of red. "You're right," he said bravely. "This is insufficient. Well then! There's only one thing left to do." In a bow so graceful and suave it would have put Dracula to shame, Okita dropped to his knees before the maiden of his dreams and cried, "Akimoto Miharu! Please, may I have your hand in marriage?"

"Oh!" Miharu cried, her hands flying to her cheeks.

"No!" Heisuke groaned as Shinpachi flew at Okita in a rage.

"What do you think you are doing?" the short Shinsengumi captain screamed. "Are you crazy? Have you lost your mind?"

"Eh? But you said I have to make up to her for damaging her honour… so shouldn't I be… ow! Nagakura-san! You bit me!"

"That's for being a pig-hugging moron!" Shinpachi screamed.

"What do pigs have to do with this?" Okita cried, a hurt look flashing across his face.

"They have everything to do with this!" Shinpachi screeched then wailed as Sano held him down before he could bite Okita's other calf.

"Seducing a girl so you could get her pigs was bad enough," Heisuke tsked. "But _marrying_ a girl to get her pigs… really, Souji! You must have been spending too much time with Hijikata-san."

"_What_? I what?"

"I said you have been spending too much time with Hiji…"

"Souji."

At the deep, sickening familiar voice, all four captains froze and turned around.

There, standing in the wind with dry, withered leaves swirling around him was a tall dark figure, clad entirely in black. Slowly, with all the sense of a ritual, the figure drew a sword from its scabbard and held it to the light where it glinted menacingly. A bare foot slid forward, crushing the leaves beneath it as the figure took in a deep breath.

"You have sinned greatly, Okita Souji," the figure said firmly. "And now you must pay the price." With that, the Vice-Command Hijikata Toshizou launched himself forward, bringing his sword slashing down towards a stunned Okita Souji.

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"Hijikata-san!" Okita cried in dismay as he moved swiftly to the side to dodge a downwards slice. "What are you doing?"

"Punishing a sinner!" Hijikata roared.

"What? Me? What have I done?" Okita wailed, dodging rapidly behind his beloved old tree, grimacing as Hijikata's blade took off large chunks of the bark he had so fondly patted just moments ago.

"You know what you have done!" Hijikata thundered, slashing in annoyance at the huge piece of wood that had suddenly got in his way.

"Hijikata-san!" Sano cried, clinging desperately to his vice-commander. "Stop it! We already know what Souji has done, and he is sorry for it! Please, his crime isn't punishable by death!"

"Yes it is!" Hijikata shouted. "Such a crime is punishable by death! There are no exceptions made; not even for captains of the Shinsengumi!"

"Wait! Hijikata-san!" Shinpachi wailed. "Surely this can be fixed somehow!"

"Souji's already suggested a great idea," Heisuke added desperately. "Just listen, please!"

"Yes! Yes!" Sano thundered blankly. "Good idea! Ow!" He scratched his ribs where Hijikata had delivered a bone-crushing blow with the hilt of his sword.

"Enough!" Hijikata snapped. "There is nothing more to be said! Let me kill him and be done with it!"

"But why?" Okita cried. "Why are you trying to kill me?"

"Because I must!" Hijikata roared as he broke free of Sano's grip. "Die, Souji! My captain… my son… die… Die!" With that he thundered forward, swinging his sword down rapidly – only to find himself coming face to face with three pieces of mochi wrapped nicely in a piece of patterned cloth.

"Stop!" the girl cried, her eyes flashing dangerously. "Take another step further and I will show you what I can do with three pieces of mochi and a bottle of water." She brandished both items menacingly and Hijikata took a fast step backwards.

Clearing his throat embarrassedly and rolling his eyes to indicate sheer male-derision at the female inability to physically harm a man, Hijikata made a quick retreat towards his three captains where he settled into a slouch that would have expressed nonchalance if he hadn't been shaking so badly.

"Who's she?" the flustered vice-commander muttered in Shinpachi's general direction.

"Akimoto Miharu," Shinpachi replied, blinking in confusion. "But you knew that, didn't you?"

"What? Of course not! Who's she? A Choshu spy?"

"Choshu spy? No, Hijikata-san! She's the girl Souji was trying to seduce to get her pigs."

"What? Pigs? What's this all about, Souji?"

Okita cleared his throat uncomfortably. "Actually, I was going to ask that question myself," he said cautiously. "What did you mean when you said that, Todou-san?"

"Huh?" Heisuke exchanged looks with Shinpachi. "Well… you've been trying to seduce this girl so you could adopt her pigs, right?"

There was a long pause as Okita stared into the sky contemplatively. "Just for clarification," he said slowly. "By 'pigs', are you referring to some kind of great philosophical saying by a man who has been dead for a very long time?"

"Huh? No?"

"Perhaps it is an allusion to some novel… the Tales of Genji? Or the Tales of Heike?"

"No?"

"Is it a euphemism for virginity?"

"What? No!" Heisuke put his hands on his hips in irritation. "Pigs mean pigs! We know you are dating this girl to get her pigs!"

"Whatever made you think that?" Okita cried, annoyed to the fullest. "Why couldn't I be dating her because I'm in love with her?"

There was another long pause as the Comedian Trio looked at each other contemplatively. "Why?" Shinpaci asked cautiously. "Well… isn't it because… you're well…"

"Gay?" Heisuke questioned bluntly.

"I'm _what_?"

"You're _what_?"

Suddenly, Okita Souji found himself staring down the scary side of Hijikata Toshizou's face as the vice-commander gripped his shoulders painfully. "Hijikata-san!" he protested.

"What have I done?" Hijikata roared. "I knew it! I knew I should have listened to Kondou when he told me that I should make Souji socialise with the opposite sex during the critical period of puberty! Under exposure to the fairer sex and overexposure to the same sex has made Souji far more comfortable with men rather than women. That has resulted in stunted social skills, a mistaken identification of comfort as sex appeal, and thus an inability to take part fruitfully in the reproduction process that is vital for a healthy person to fulfil his or her fullest potential. Heavens, it is just as Kondou said! What have I done? Oh, Mitsu, what have I done?"

"Eh… Hijikata-san?" Heisuke whimpered nervously. "What… what on earth are you talking about? What do you mean?"

"I mean, I am going to take Souji to Shimabara now, and he is going to bed every single woman we find there until he realises that women make much better bed partners than men!" Hijikata roared.

"What?" Souji yelped as the Comedian Trio started screaming in the background. "But Hijikata-san…"

"No excuses!" Hijikata roared. "You will do as I say! Those women there will teach you how to fulfil your fullest potential! Don't worry about it!"

"But I don't want to! I'm not gay!"

"That's a paradox if I've ever heard one."

"Shut up, Todou!"

"I'm not gay!" Okita wailed tragically. "Miharu-chan! Miharu-chan!"

"Souji-chan!"

There was a short 'popping' sound then with a low moan, Hijikata toppled over and hit the floor, foam pouring out of his mouth. The Comedian Trio screeched in terror and scrambled backwards as a mochi was waved menacingly in their direction.

"Miharu-chan!" Okita cried in relief, stepping gingerly over his fallen vice-commander to reach his lover.

"I've got this covered, Souji-chan," Miharu murmured, her eyes glinting coldly as she glared at the cowering men.

"Thank you my love, but really…" Okita turned around to face his Shinsengumi-mates, "What was that all about, Todou-san, Nagakura-san, Harada-san? Why did y'all think I'm gay?"

"Why?" Heisuke stammered nervously. "Well… hmm… wait a minute." Flashing the First Captain a nervous grin, the three friends huddled together and started a vigorously whispered discussion which included much elbow-jabbing and foot-stomping. Following that was much screaming, done mostly on the part of one Nagakura Shinpachi as he was manually lifted off the ground and thrown to the ground before Okita and Miharu.

"Eh…" Shinpachi stammered, shooting glares back at his friends. "Uh… hi, Souji."

"Hello Nagakura-san," Okita said pleasantly. "Well? Why did the three of you think I'm gay?"

"Well… you see… it's because… well… you… seem gay, you know?"

"Why do I seem gay?"

"Because…" Shinpachi threw a nervous glare back at his friends. "You know… it's the way you dance around… and the way you carry Saizou around… and the way you… act a little… like… a… a… well…"

"Oh for god's sake!" Sano roared. "Say it like a man, Shinpachi! We thought you were gay, Souji, because you sure as hell look like a woman!"

A long silence descended. Crickets chirped in the background as pretty white birds flew past. Then Okita Souji drew in a deep breath and sighed. "Miharu-chan?"

"Yes, Souji-chan?"

"I don't think we will be eating mochi today."

"I understand."

As he leaned back against the tree, watching the scene before him, Okita could not help but smile. He was indeed a lucky man to have found this beautiful woman for a lover. Not only was she good-looking, sweet, demure and a very good cook, she also had the technique down pat (oh, he had never seen it done that way before!). He was in love, he was so in love, and this time…

"I'm done, Souji-chan!"

"Great! Let's go eat some dessert! Oh… after a stop at the Headquarters to call some stretchers in, of course!"

"Of course. Anything you say, Souji-chan."

"I love you, Miharu-chan."

"I… I love you too… Souji-chan…"

This time… she was here to stay.

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Saizou crackled evilly to himself as he heaved his tools across the pig-pen in search of that evil pig which had dared to challenge his authority. Finally, after hours of researching, experimenting and thinking, he had come up with the perfect plan to destroy that usurper of thrones once and for all! It had been so simple he really couldn't understand why he hadn't thought of it before. Obviously, that girl-pig was faster and stronger than him, and thus what he had to do was to take her by surprise! It was really as simple as that, but as they say, the simplest plans work the best.

"Bu-ei!" he called pleasantly as he spotted the bane of his existence making her way across the pig-pen.

"Bu-ei…" she called back, suspicion making her reply sound slightly rude.

Clearing his throat, Saizou lumbered over and laid a large piece of corn on the ground before her. "Bu-ei," he offered, bending his short legs slightly in a pig's version of a bow.

Her eyes dropped to the offering and Saizou grinned maniacally. His plan was working! While she ate the 'peace-offering' he had just presented to her, he would sneak up behind her and give her a head-butting like those that haven't been seen since the 1840s Battle of the Bone! Then, he would reclaim his throne as King of the Pig-Pen! This was such a brilliant plan! Such an amazing plan, and only Okita Saizou could have thought of something as brilliant as this!

Slowly, that girl-pig lowered her head towards the corn and Saizou stuck his snout into the ground to muffle his evil laughter. It was definitely working! Now, all he had to do was…

"Bu-ei."

Startled, Saizou lifted up his head and gazed into the blackcurrant eyes gazing down on him. Then his eyes dropped to the ground where she had laid half the corn for him. "B… Bu-ei?" he questioned uncertainly.

"Bu-ei!" she cried, eyes twinkling merrily.

Saizou lowered his head again, staring at the corn. Then he looked back at her, the girl-pig… no, Aoi, with her pretty, round eyes and perfect circular figure. The wind swept pleasantly over the pig-pen, and a sense of calm fell over him. "Bu-ei," he said humbly as he picked up a piece of the corn.

Revenge could wait. After all, what was the hurry? He had all the time in the world, and not much else to do. This Aoi girl wasn't going anywhere else. She was part of the Okita family now after all. Besides, vengeance delayed was always so much the sweeter, and so while he waited for the optimum time to attack her…

"Bu-ei."

"B… B… Bu-ei…"

They could just feed each other corn while enjoying the cool breeze of Kyoto Japan.

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Author's Note: Uh… if any of you are wondering about the 'wrist' thing, it was meant to be a parody of all those "lover's seduce each other scenes". I was just thinking, back in those days, people were so conservative, so even showing your wrist would have been a kind of indecent gesture. I know Miharu works in the fields, and it is unlikely she didn't roll up her sleeves and all… but ah well, it's all in the name of fun.

Oh... and I am also aware Hijikata sounded a bit like Tatsu at some point of time, but honestly, I find those two very similar, only Hijikata is kind of repressed... ha.

Anyway, be nice to me and leave a review! I would love to hear from all of you if I can actually manage writing romance fics, because as I said earlier, this is my very first! Constructive criticism is welcomed, but do try to be helpful rather than hurtful!


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